The iPhone keynote we’ll never see.

There’s no use fighting it… Many of you will be spending the afternoon pouring through news of the new operating system for Apple’s locked-down iPhone. Clearly I’m no fan — of Apple products in general these days, if truth be told.

So how to not get drowned by the impending tsunami of iPhone-related news? Perhaps we could take a peek into an alternate universe for a minute or two and see a keynote that would actually be worthy of the attention that Apple so often gets…

Apple CEO Steve Jobs takes the stage.

“Good morning, and thank you all for coming… Today we’re here to announce a new operating system for the iPhone. Now I don’t want to waste anyone’s time with shameless hucksterism and bullshit marketing-speak, so I’ll get right to the point: Today we’re open-sourcing the iPhone OS.”

“I mean, Nokia’s doing it with Symbian, right? And they sell more phones than anybody. But that’s not the only reason. Think about your desktop computer, or laptop, or netbook — yeah, we can’t really make those right now with the profit margins our stockholders demand… Anyway, it’s so cool how you can download a Linux distribution and load it up on your computer and we thought, why shouldn’t you be able to do that with your phone? I know, some of you are already doing it — we want to make it easier. So starting today, you can download the new iPhone OS for free from our website. You can also install other OSes on your iPhone — Symbian, Android, whatever floats your boat. And you don’t have to jailbreak it. All those clever folks who do the jailbreaking software? They’re working with us now, we hired them.”

“Also, starting today we’re selling all iPhones unlocked in our stores. We spent a lot of effort negotiating with carriers worldwide to have them sell iPhones for us and get you all on multi-year contracts. That was dumb. The carriers might get angry with us but we think our customers are more important.”

“And if you’re stuck with an iPhone on contract just bring it in to your local Apple store and we’ll unlock it for you, to make amends. No charge.”

“Speaking of charging, all new iPhones will ship with the industry-standard micro-USB plug, for connecting to a charger and to a PC/Mac/whatever. You can also charge over USB, obviously. Again, come by the Apple store and we’ll give you an adapter — micro-USB at one end and whatever shit proprietary plug we had before at the other. Man, what a stupid idea that was…”

“What else… Oh yeah, we’re killing the App Store and joining the Wholesale Applications Community. We think it’s really important to respect software developers and want to make their lives easier with as much common code as possible. And no, there’s no approval process in place over there. That didn’t really reflect too well on us, did it?”

“So why are we doing all this? I guess I’ve realized that I’m not going to be around forever, and I want my legacy to show that I helped solve problems, not create them.”

“Oh, and one more thing… We’re launching a new desktop app called ‘iLink’. Because, you know, administering your mobile phone through a desktop music player is just silly.”

“Finally, I’d like to take a moment to publicly acknowledge Steve Wozniak — without him none of Apple’s successes would have ever been possible…”

Of course none of this will never happen, as Apple is no longer a computer maker for creative types but an evil consumer electronics empire. Their loss — and yours, should you choose to drink the Kool-Aid.

Don’t drink the Kool-Aid.


  1. AC:

    I don’t see that happening, either. Unless Apple becomes the next target of the Sherman Act by the US government (in that long line of corporate tradition, from Standard Oil in 1911 or AT&T in 1974), they’ll keep their systems closed so that they have total vertical integration of hardware, software, and content.

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